Or how to spend the perfect Amercian weekend.
Welcome to the mother of suburbia, to the strip mall capital of the world. Here we shop till we are hungry, and then and we eat. Oh, come off it. We know you love to look down upon us, you townies, and that you love to come down here and look at us like animals in zoo but you need us more than we need you. You know this is where you come to shop on sale days, and to buy your hybrid. You can make fun of our elephant sized townhomes, but you need our basements to store your furniture. And who are we kidding? You all move here anyway once you get married and have a kid; you will also worry about school districts and home prices, shop at the mall every weekend and celebrate birthdays at Maggiano's. So get off that high horse, and come see how we live. It is, after all, your future.
Friday 6PM
Traffic on I-90. You didn't really think you were going to cruise into Schaumburg just like that, did you? That too during peak hour on Fridays when everyone's heading back home after a hard day's work in the evil city? Anyway, there's no better way to get inducted into American suburbia than spending a good couple of hours inside your SUV cursing at the toll booth attendant, the I-pass lanes and everyone else who happens to share the road with you.
Friday 8PM
Dinner at Cheesecake Factory at Woodfield Mall. This happens to be every suburbanite's dream restaurant. Everything is oversized from the menus to the funky Egyptian symbols. Portion sizes guaranteed to give you heart attacks. The decor is like, well, WTF. Avocado Egg Rolls and the Chicken Marsala are favorites here. Not to mention hundreds of cheesecakes that will add up to hundreds of thousands of calories. Do make sure you have a reservation, otherwise you will spend a good hour waiting for a table. Though sometimes, waiting itself can be fun, especially for a city snob. Great entertainment to watch these suburban people going crazy with their fourteen shopping bags and four kids.
Saturday 10AM
Breakfast at Ikea. The Swedish furniture store? Breakfast? No, I kid you not. Didn't you know they have "value for money" Swedish food in their restaurant on the third floor? The full, hot Swedish breakfast is only $.99. The queues here are as long as the ones on the checkout line. Trust me, this is the local hangout - they all get their breakfast here and then start the shopping day. A must-eat place.
Saturday 12noon
Gurnee Mills. We leave Schaumburg. Don't worry, we will come back and shop here but first we have to go to the outlet mall and shop there. Drive 40 miles North to get to Gurnee Mills, right before the exit you will see Six Flags. This is where people drop their four kids off before heading to the mall so that they can shop in peace.
An alternative to Gurnee Hills is the Premium Outlet Mall southwest of Schaumburg. This one has fewer shops and it a little more organized. Also has the added advantage of being a couple of exits away from the Aurora temple from where you can grab a quick lunch. Though, you know, if you want the authentic experience, try one of the Chinese places in the food court!
Saturday 8PM
Dinner at PF Chang's. Waits maybe even longer than Cheesecake Factory but the menus are slightly smaller. Other than that, same as Cheesecake Factory, just happens to have a different name. What are you complaining about? Hello, this is suburbia. They are all the same, get it? Thats the whole damn point. Enjoy!
Saturday 10PM
Movie at Streets of Woodfield. No, you absolutely cannot walk to Streets of Woodfield from PF Chang's. You might get run over. So drive across the street to the Loews at Streets of Woodfield and watch a movie. No, it doesn't really matter what movie as none of your snobbish, foreign-language, indie movie are screened here anyway. Not to worry. After the movie, drive to the Starbucks a hundred yards away and get some coffee. Look around at the wannabe townies. Funny, aren't they?
Sunday 10AM
Brunch at the Curragh. Irish pub/restaurant at the Mall (where else?) which serves decent brunch and usually has a halfway decent Irish band playing. Its either this or the Old Country Buffet for brunch, so you decide!
Sunday 12noon
Woodfield Mall. A whirlwind shopping tour at the Woodfield Mall. At some point in the not so distant past, this used to be the largest mall in the States, so spend your three hours wisely. Look for the stores you did not find in the outlet mall the day before. Make sure you have someone around to carry your shopping bags.
Sunday 3PM
Homes of Schaumburg. No visit to Schaumburg is complete without a driving tour (what did you expect? A walking tour?) through communities of cookie cutter homes with their basketball hoops and beautifully manicured lawns. Three car garages and swimming pools. An odd kid on his bike, a misfit; the others and the Dads are inside busy with their Playstations while the Moms and sisters are at the mall. Living the American Dream.
Getting There
The easiest way to get here is to fly into Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, rent the biggest SUV you can get, and drive 20 minutes Northwest to Schaumburg. The key being it doesn't really matter whether you fly or take the train or bus to get to Chicago, you just have to make sure that you have a minivan/SUV to get to Schaumburg. You can probably get to the Village of Schaumburg on a smaller car but be warned that you will sorely stand out. Imagine your poor Toyota Prius lost among thousands of Town & Countrys and Hummers over at the JC Penney parking lot at Woodfield Mall. It isn't a pretty sight, I tell you.
Accommodations
One of the standard, economy chains is your best bet. But if you insist, your stay can be arranged at one of the humongous homes around Schaumburg. Yes, with trampoline and pool and two and half kids. Email for details.
Welcome to the mother of suburbia, to the strip mall capital of the world. Here we shop till we are hungry, and then and we eat. Oh, come off it. We know you love to look down upon us, you townies, and that you love to come down here and look at us like animals in zoo but you need us more than we need you. You know this is where you come to shop on sale days, and to buy your hybrid. You can make fun of our elephant sized townhomes, but you need our basements to store your furniture. And who are we kidding? You all move here anyway once you get married and have a kid; you will also worry about school districts and home prices, shop at the mall every weekend and celebrate birthdays at Maggiano's. So get off that high horse, and come see how we live. It is, after all, your future.
Friday 6PM
Traffic on I-90. You didn't really think you were going to cruise into Schaumburg just like that, did you? That too during peak hour on Fridays when everyone's heading back home after a hard day's work in the evil city? Anyway, there's no better way to get inducted into American suburbia than spending a good couple of hours inside your SUV cursing at the toll booth attendant, the I-pass lanes and everyone else who happens to share the road with you.
Friday 8PM
Dinner at Cheesecake Factory at Woodfield Mall. This happens to be every suburbanite's dream restaurant. Everything is oversized from the menus to the funky Egyptian symbols. Portion sizes guaranteed to give you heart attacks. The decor is like, well, WTF. Avocado Egg Rolls and the Chicken Marsala are favorites here. Not to mention hundreds of cheesecakes that will add up to hundreds of thousands of calories. Do make sure you have a reservation, otherwise you will spend a good hour waiting for a table. Though sometimes, waiting itself can be fun, especially for a city snob. Great entertainment to watch these suburban people going crazy with their fourteen shopping bags and four kids.
Saturday 10AM
Breakfast at Ikea. The Swedish furniture store? Breakfast? No, I kid you not. Didn't you know they have "value for money" Swedish food in their restaurant on the third floor? The full, hot Swedish breakfast is only $.99. The queues here are as long as the ones on the checkout line. Trust me, this is the local hangout - they all get their breakfast here and then start the shopping day. A must-eat place.
Saturday 12noon
Gurnee Mills. We leave Schaumburg. Don't worry, we will come back and shop here but first we have to go to the outlet mall and shop there. Drive 40 miles North to get to Gurnee Mills, right before the exit you will see Six Flags. This is where people drop their four kids off before heading to the mall so that they can shop in peace.
An alternative to Gurnee Hills is the Premium Outlet Mall southwest of Schaumburg. This one has fewer shops and it a little more organized. Also has the added advantage of being a couple of exits away from the Aurora temple from where you can grab a quick lunch. Though, you know, if you want the authentic experience, try one of the Chinese places in the food court!
Saturday 8PM
Dinner at PF Chang's. Waits maybe even longer than Cheesecake Factory but the menus are slightly smaller. Other than that, same as Cheesecake Factory, just happens to have a different name. What are you complaining about? Hello, this is suburbia. They are all the same, get it? Thats the whole damn point. Enjoy!
Saturday 10PM
Movie at Streets of Woodfield. No, you absolutely cannot walk to Streets of Woodfield from PF Chang's. You might get run over. So drive across the street to the Loews at Streets of Woodfield and watch a movie. No, it doesn't really matter what movie as none of your snobbish, foreign-language, indie movie are screened here anyway. Not to worry. After the movie, drive to the Starbucks a hundred yards away and get some coffee. Look around at the wannabe townies. Funny, aren't they?
Sunday 10AM
Brunch at the Curragh. Irish pub/restaurant at the Mall (where else?) which serves decent brunch and usually has a halfway decent Irish band playing. Its either this or the Old Country Buffet for brunch, so you decide!
Sunday 12noon
Woodfield Mall. A whirlwind shopping tour at the Woodfield Mall. At some point in the not so distant past, this used to be the largest mall in the States, so spend your three hours wisely. Look for the stores you did not find in the outlet mall the day before. Make sure you have someone around to carry your shopping bags.
Sunday 3PM
Homes of Schaumburg. No visit to Schaumburg is complete without a driving tour (what did you expect? A walking tour?) through communities of cookie cutter homes with their basketball hoops and beautifully manicured lawns. Three car garages and swimming pools. An odd kid on his bike, a misfit; the others and the Dads are inside busy with their Playstations while the Moms and sisters are at the mall. Living the American Dream.
Getting There
The easiest way to get here is to fly into Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, rent the biggest SUV you can get, and drive 20 minutes Northwest to Schaumburg. The key being it doesn't really matter whether you fly or take the train or bus to get to Chicago, you just have to make sure that you have a minivan/SUV to get to Schaumburg. You can probably get to the Village of Schaumburg on a smaller car but be warned that you will sorely stand out. Imagine your poor Toyota Prius lost among thousands of Town & Countrys and Hummers over at the JC Penney parking lot at Woodfield Mall. It isn't a pretty sight, I tell you.
Accommodations
One of the standard, economy chains is your best bet. But if you insist, your stay can be arranged at one of the humongous homes around Schaumburg. Yes, with trampoline and pool and two and half kids. Email for details.
2 comments:
man this is SO depressing. well done (i guess).
reading this from a "townie" perspective, i guess its a pretty good view of schaumburg. I can't deny the fact that you can drive 5 minutes in any direction and be at some chain restaurant or store...fact of life. But we do have a mighty fine baseball team... :-)
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