Malory Towers

No magic, no sorting hats, no nearly headless ghosts, no invisible cloaks, and certainly no one who must not be named. Only good ole' sensible English girls (well, mostly). Who are a tad more interesting than a certain young wizard with a scar. No, you say? Well, go on then to nine and three quarters which in reality is between the 8th and the 9th platforms, and take your picture with that cart against the wall. Me, I am going to a real English school. You want to come too? Come along to Paddington and we shall catch the 4.50 to Cornwall, and spend the night at town by the Cornish coast where there are cinemas and the circus (and loads of shops selling tuck boxes which you absolutely have to buy if you are going to make the midnight feast on Saturday night) if you are so inclined.

Saturday 9 AM
There is a particular corner on our way up from town when suddenly Malory Towers comes into view - a big, square-looking greystone standing on top of a cliff surrounded by four rounded towers. North, South, East and West. The sea is behind, far down the cliff and there is a natural swimming pool down there but more about that later. First, we need to hurry or we will miss breakfast. Past the huge gate which looks like a castle entrance and through the Court which is surrounded by the school buildings, and no, no time to chat with the smart girls in their brown and orange uniforms, we will have time for that later, Ms Grayling likes people to be punctual. Gray-hair, blue eyes, firm mouth, calm face, low-voice, well, what did you expect anyway? If you are the honest, sensible, and responsible type, you will get along with her even if you have a really bad temper. Else, especially if you have an artistic temparement like the French, it is better to miss breakfast altogether.

Saturday 11 AM
We get to meet the girls. Ofcourse we won't remember them all but a few we won't be able to forget - Darrell and Sally, Alicia and Irene, Mary-Lou and Gwen. Darrell is nice and sensible and responsible and level-headed and all, but if you want to have fun, tag along with Alicia. Watch her play one of her brothers' tricks on Mam'zelle (no, not the tall, thin one. The fat, jolly one. Thats the one to play tricks on). Spiders, Invisible chalk, stuff that pop out of the fire, all sorts of things. I mean, one wonders why there is any need for magic.

Saturday 3 PM
First, we get to watch a real lacrosse match. Malory Towers vs Barchester. Woe on you if you decide to cheer the wrong team. Ofcourse, we will win. The school heroine will hit the winning goal. After which we get to have a really big tea. Yes, with scones!
And then, time to do some activity ourselves. Follow Wilhelmina (just call her Bill) and she will take you riding along the coast road. Yes, but who cares if its against the rules? This is a school, remember?

Saturday 7 PM
By the time young women get to the fifth form, they have learnt to do their schoolwork well. This is the time to learn the more important things in life like how to plan things on their own and carry them out, and how to work together properly to get things done. These are the things young women need to learn if they want to become sound women that the world could lean on. So what better way to learn these things (and also provide you and me with some wholesome entertainment in the process) than by letting them do their own pantomime? So here it is - written, directed and produced entirely by the girls of the fifth, this is another Cinderalla story. With servants, and ugly sisters and demon-king and jugglers and obviously, the Prince. Best seating is the North side gallery, on the topmost stone steps. Enjoy.

Saturday 12 midnight
Dinner? Oh, you don't want to come to the midnight feast then? You do? Then make sure you do not eat at dinner and save all the food. Then go to the dorm and pretend to be asleep. Actually no. Technically, bedtime is only for the girls but we aren't supposed to stay inside the dorms in the first place. Now that we have sneaked in here, hide when the mistress comes in to check whether everyone's asleep. Yes, it is time. Get up and smell the food. Sandwiches, tongue and boiled eggs, pork pies and ginger ale, lemonade stolen from the pantry and a huge chocolate mousse cake. Food always tastes better at midnight, ne c'est pas?

Sunday 10 AM
Yes, the San. Serves you right for eating too much last night. There is really no way around it - We have to go the Matron and get some really horrid medicine now. Thats the only way we are going to get our stomachs back. No, she won't be happy but I have a feeling she will understand.

Sunday 12 noon
Feeling better? I told you the medicine always works. The more horrid it tastes, the faster it works. Now lets head down to the swimming pool by the sea. The pool's hollowed out of a stretch of rocks and so it has a rocky, uneven bottom. You can laze around but around here if you do too much of that, you are guaranteed to be pushed in. So you decide.

Sunday 3 PM
Time to take leave of the girls and Malory Towers and head back to London. Take back some sense but leave the British superiority behind. A little out of time, that is. The world has become quite wunnerful in recent years, and the Empire nowadays is just the 51st state. Or a glorified missile base. Just ask Messrs. Jay and Lynn. Talking of which.

PS: Yes, I know. There is only way to see Malory Towers - as a student. But if you are reading this, then chances are high that you will have to wait till your next birth to go back to school again, so this is the next best thing. Okay?

Shire

Bill tells us how to spend a weekend in JRR Tolkien's Shire.

For the world weary traveller, what better place to unwind than in Middle Earth, that charming creation of one JRR Tolkien? Throw away your blackberries and laptops and come down to the Shire for the weekend.

Friday 6PM
Best not come in too late, or you might find everything closing down. Unless you fly in by Gwaihir Air, or are comfortable with riding bareback on a horse of Rohan, the best way to come might be by cart. For a true experience, walk down from the nearest town on theold highway. On the way, you might consider singing:

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

There's taverns on the way to point you in the right direction. Be prepared with interesting stories of where you are coming from, since tavern owners and their guests like nothing better than gossip of the outside world. Best not speak of necromancers though. Oh, and expect to be disbelieved if you speak of elephants and tigers.

Saturday 8AM
A good breakfast is necessary to start off. Go to Hobbiton and fill up on homely fare, with fresh fruits and vegetables from Bagshot Row if you can. Rosie's butters and jams are particularly well spoken off.

Saturday 10AM
We will do some adventure tourism today. Catch some of the local kids to guide you. We will go steal some mushrooms. Involves tree climbing, swift running, and fence jumping. Be careful of the dogs, and be wary of going into paths that are dead-ends. This is why the kids are helpful to have around. The Took kids are especially good at
this.

Saturday 11AM
Phew, tiring work, running all that distance? Just about time to have a second breakfast, or elevenses. Don't say no to the tea, its reputed to be quite good.

Saturday 1PM
Now that we got done with that, its time for something completely different! Like lunch, for instance. The rabbit pie with taters, er, potatoes, is highly recommended. The bread is pretty good too, though the elvish waybread is not readily obtained. Don't pass up the opportunity to get some if it is offered.

Saturday 3PM
Let's go to the woods to meet Mr Bombadil. His songs alone are worth the trip. Add to that the charms of Goldberry, and what other reason do you need? Be careful of the road, and do not go into barrows. When in doubt, call out for Tom, and if you are lucky he will come find you. Reach there in time for tea, and you will get great cakes too. Take those outdoors, and get old Bombadil to sing. Or ask him if he knows if any wood elves are passing by. Don't miss the opportunity of asking some of those elves about the High Havens, and Lothlorien.

Start back to reach back in time to get to Bywater. Walking in the dark can seem scary, so keep your spirits up by singing songs Bombadil has taught you. Keep your eyes out for any Entwives you can see. (No, we don't know how they look like either).

Saturday 8PM
Okay, time to take in the night life. Make the trip down to the Prancing Pony, a fine inn with great ales. Its going to be crowded, so be patient. Their cider and ale is rather good, and you get to meet a wide cross-section of people. Some raucous singing might ensue. Climb on a table, dance, and chug down your beer, and everyone will be your friend. Singing long silly songs is also encouraged. Do not disappear, whatever you do, or you will be the topic of discussion for years!

Saturday 10PM
You should be feeling pretty full after that dinner, right? So why not put your feet up and try some pipeweed? You are not a smoker? Tch, tch, the Southfarthing's longbottom leaf is the finest, bar none. Kings and rangers, wizards and elves and dwarves, all get their supplies from here. A Havana cigar is not just for smokers, eh? Put that in your pipe and smoke it! On the other hand, if you are a smoker, everybody appreciates skill in blowing smoke rings. The more the merrier.

Sunday 9AM
Yes, you guessed right, food! A good Sunday breakfast spread is as good a way of starting the day as any. Finish up by taking up your pipe (you fell in love with it, didn't you?) and engaging in desultory conversation. You will not be left alone anyway until you hear the family history going on to third cousins on every side, and how the aunt of the neighbor is sure to accidentally take away spoons and forks from the dinner table.

Sunday 11AM
Well, now that you have finished breakfast (you did remember to linger over it, didn't you?), we can go exploring some of the traditional houses. Good examples of burrowing architecture can be found in the local towns. Mind the ceiling if you are on the tall side. Go explore tunnels and burrows, pausing to check out the fine fireplaces in the older homes.

Sunday 3PM
After a leisurely lunch, if you are up to it, you can go take in the water mill. They are pretty proud of it around here. If you have any fireworks on you, you can make friends with all the children (most adults too) pretty fast.

Sunday 6PM
Finish off the trip with attending a square dance. Most everyone is forgiving of bad dance moves, but its rather easy to learn anyway. If dancing is not your thing, or even if it is, stop by to refresh yourself at the tables. But not like we need to tell you this by this time.

Things to get back
Get some of that pipe weed, your friends will thank you for getting it. Produce, and apples and berries, are also good to get. On no account should you pick up any rings or such, much trouble can occur later.

Khasak

How to spend your 48 hours in OV Vijayan's Khasak

The best way to get to Khasak is to take a bus from Palghat town to Koomankavu, and then walk through the Ghats for a good six miles. Not to be attempted after dusk especially those of you who, like me, have an unnatural fear of teething blue-black snakes and their infant fangs and so, in this itinerary we will start from Palghat early Saturday morning. Just get to Palghat on Friday and retire early as we have to start early the next day.

Saturday 6AM
You can drive but then you miss out the KSRTC bus experience, so I suggest you take the first bus to Koomankavu from Palghat bus stand. Rickety old bus will take you past the fertile paddy fields and into the mountains for a couple of hours before finally halting at Koomankavu. Don't panic if everyone else gets off in earlier stops; Koomankavu is used to lone visitors.

Saturday 9AM
A forlorn post next to the mountain pass, Koomankavu consists of about "a dozen shops and shacks under an immense canopy of trees". Three days a week, all six members of the Koomankavu Beedi Workers Union will be on strike. You can see them with their red flags marching up and down Koomankavu shouting Inquilab - Zindabad, Anglo-American exploitaton - Murdabad. Walk over to the sherbet vendor's shop for breakfast. Appams with egg or beef curry readily available. Do not forget to get a bottle of sherbet for the road.

Saturday 10AM
Long walk to Khasak. Out of Koomankavu into a tulsi-scented valley for sometime before climbing up again for a mile or so. The path slopes down after that and Koomankavu is lost to view. If its nearing the monsoon season, listen for the call of the Maniyan - if he is around, the rains cannot be far behind. Soon, signs of human habitation will crop up - bulls and buffaloes by the brook, crows and pigeons, and then the red roof tiles through the greenery. Behind Khasak stands the mountain Chetali, its crown of rock jutting out shading the paddies below. No, not rock, those huge formations that you see underneath the rock are wild beehives, waxed to one another.

Saturday 12noon
Lunch at Aliyar's teashop. There is space inside for only four people but there are benches outside where you can sit for however long you want. The village gossip perched on the loadrest also happens to be the resident toddy-tapper, so in addition to feeding you all the local news, he can be conned to get you some fresh toddy.

Saturday 2PM
The District Board's school which used to be a shed where seeds were once stored - it consists of a long corridor, two modest rooms one of which serves as a dwelling place for the teacher and the other the classroom, and a large yard shaded by tamarind trees. The school will be closed but you might find the teacher, an existentialist fugitive in his sarai who will be more than happy to exachange biographies with you. But more likely, you will find just Khasak's parrot-man (who is Hindu on certain days of the week and Muslim on the rest) and his dragonfly waiting to see if the Maash has returned.

Saturday 3PM
Around the village of Khasak lie twelve ruined mosques; they have always been there as far as anyone could remember. Long ago, pagan deities and mortal humans tried to rebuild these mosques quite a few times but demon spirits thrawted the reconstruction and so no one tries to build them anymore. The most recent of the ruins is the Mosque of the King inside which you will see the Khazi, a djinn, the spirit of Sayed Mian Sheikh preparing for evening prayers. Say hello. The mosque overlooks the Araby tank, a pond of clear water where you can take a dip until the cry of the muezzin sounds from inside the Mosque. Just be a little careful though - the Araby tank is supposedly where beings dismembered in past wars come to bathe their unwashed wounds, so you might catch an infection.

Saturday 6PM
Time to go see Kuttadan, the Oracle of the Goddess Nallamma (Goddess of Smallpox in case you were wondering) and his shrine. The goddess speaks through the oracle a couple of days a week, and people came from far to hear her speak. If you are lucky, the she might speak today or there might even be an exorcism with swords and anklets and the rest. Either way, there will be enough of toddy and illicit arrack going around for everybody, so this cannot be missed.

Sunday 9AM
Chetali. Quick breakfast at Aliyar's teashop. Pack a picnic lunch - pathiris and meat curry that any Muslim household in the village will happily provide. Then climb up the Chetali. On the way, you will see butterflies, dragonflies, and red spiders with silken coats and probably some hooded reptiles. At the top, there is a rocky pool where a water demon resides. Jump in and say hi. Enjoy your lunch. No, do not attempt to go find the beehives from here, you will only succeed in killing yourself.

Sunday 1PM
Back in the village, its time to shop for souvenirs at Mainmoona's store. Ofcourse its an excuse to see the houri of Khasak face to face. After which you need to rush to Koomankavu to catch the last bus to Palghat. If you delay, you might be waiting for the bus forever.

Getting to Palghat
The nearest airport is Coimbatore; quite a few domestic airlines fly here. From Coimbatore its about an hour by bus to Palghat. Alternatively, you can also take one of the many trains from Chennai or Banglore heading towards Kerala and get off at Palghat Junction.

Accommodations
Two choices - either make friends with the Khazi who will gladly let you stay in the Mosque of the King or you can always stay at the school which was once a seedling house.

The Waste Land

Falstaff tells us how to spend our 48 hours in TS Eliot's The Waste Land. The first of our Invisible Cities.

Timing
April is the worst month to travel to the Waste Land. Summer can be pretty slow too, unless your cousin is an arch-duke, but April is just deathly boring. The routes are dull with spring rain, and there’s really nothing to do but sit around watching your shadow in the morning and your shadow in the evening – which really isn’t any fun at all. If you are planning to visit, Winter is definitely the time to go.

Friday 6 pm
The best way to get to the Waste Land is by ship from Ireland, though if you’re the kind of person who fears death by water you may want to catch a flight instead. The boat ride is fun, though. Regular ferry services are available from Stetson Travels. It’s about a two and a half hour trip, so you can lie back and listen to Wagner on the PA system, drink Belladonna on the rocks at the ship bar or play Hangman with your co-passengers in the Phoenician lounge. Beware of card games, however – gamblers in the Waste Land are known to carry a wicked pack of cards.

Friday 8:30 pm
You’ve arrived! Be prepared for a gala welcome. Tourists are regularly greeted by young girls carrying hyacinths (they call them the hyacinth girls), and don’t be afraid if someone offers you a handful of dust. You don’t want to spend much time loitering about near the harbour though, instead you want to go up the hill and down King William Street, to where Saint Mary Woolnoth keeps the hours. Getting there before the dead sound of the final stroke of nine is actually pretty important, because the crowd on the bridge is just crazy afterwards. You wouldn’t think there would be so many, but there are.

Friday 9:30 pm
For your first evening in the Waste Land, you don’t want to try anything too hectic. Instead, take a walk by the colonnade and into the Hofgarten, grabbing a cup of coffee at one of the local cafes or just sitting around talking for an hour. Alternatively, you could just wander around the streets taking in the sights. You won’t be disappointed. Believe me, this city is Unreal!

Saturday 10 am
Saturday morning in the Waste Land. The perfect time to unwind and rest those aching bones. After a lazy breakfast at the Cannon Street Hotel, head over to the Phlebas spa, where you can forget all about profit and loss with a relaxing dip in the Jacuzzi. First timers may be a little embarrassed to be wandering about among strangers with very little on, but don’t worry – people from all stages of age and youth, Gentile or Jew, come here, and chances are, most of them are even less tall and handsome than you.

Saturday 2 pm
After a long am of soaking in the minerals, you’re now ready for a late lunch at Cleopatra’s Barge. Be prepared to be amazed by the opulent décor of this finest of the Waste Land’s restaurants, complete with chairs like burnished thrones, glistening candelabras, satin cases, vials of ivory and coloured glass, strange synthetic perfumes and Golden cupidons. But don’t let the gawdy ambience put you off – behind that super-shiny exterior is a menu that holds up the highest standards of fruit and wine. Be sure to book your table well in advance though – the place gets crowded really fast (in case you have trouble getting a reservation, just ask for Albert) and do keep in mind that they tend to close fairly early, so you don’t want to get there too late and have to hurry through your meal because it’s time.

Saturday 4 pm
What to do now? You can start by rushing out on the street with your hair down, or, if it’s raining, catch a closed car. A game of chess is often a good idea, or, if you’re more the outdoor-sy kind, you could go down to the local cemetery, check out the King’s brother’s grave, and the King’s father’s grave before that. Beware of the dogs in the graveyard though, they’re really friendly, but you never know where they’ve been digging.

Saturday 6 pm
The violet hour. The meal ended, the time is now propitious to get a little action. It’s time to sample the exciting night life of the Waste Land. So wash your feet in soda water, get on your dancing shoes and leave your inhibitions behind. As everyone knows, the Waste Land is a great place to hook up on Saturday night. If you’re so inclined, the place to start is along the Strand and up Queen Victoria Street, possibly stopping in a public bar on lower Thames street, or, if you really want to push your look, going all the way down to the Magnus Martyr. Sooner or later you’re bound to run into a group of incredibly hot women putting on a revue. And you know what they say about lovely women stooping to Follies. The fact is there are some really lonely women in the Waste Land. You can see them through the windows, pacing about their rooms alone, smoothing their hair with an automatic hand, putting records on the gramophone. The men, by contrast, aren’t much to write home about, they’re mostly small house agent’s clerks and have a depressing tendency to wear silk hats. All the more reason to experiment with your sexuality if you’re a woman. And don’t be embarrassed – believe me, this city has seen it all before.

If you’re already in a relationship, or aren’t looking for that kind of thing, you could always check out the Fishmen Lounge, the most happening nightclub in downtown Waste Land. Groove to the sounds of the Isles of Dogs singing their hit number ‘Weialala leia’, or just blend in with the clatter and chatter from within. Watch out for their cocktails, though. They’re potent stuff. Mixing Memory and Desire is always a bad idea, and a couple of Highburys and you’re liable to end up supine on the floor with your knees raised in the air.

Saturday 10 pm
Finally, don’t forget to catch the late, late show at the Tiresias, the movie hall on Elizabeth and Leicester. Tiresias is one of the oldest movie halls in the world, and specializes in screening movies where you’ve seen it all before (the current feature, for instance, is that little known four hour Kurosawa masterpiece Hieronymo’s Mad Againe). It’s an experience not to be missed, though you’re likely to hear, from time to time, Sweeney and Mrs. Porter, making it on the springs at the back. Also, be careful going down the unlit stairs afterward, especially if you’ve had a lot to drink.

Sunday 9 am
After that decadent Saturday evening, all that shouting and crying, all that torchlight red on sweaty faces, it’s time to get a little sun and fresh air. Your best bet this morning is to take the Le Prince d’Aquitane tour which takes you up to the glorious Thunder Park. (more adventurous visitors can make a slight detour to the nearby Valley of Dying Stars, a hollow valley, broken jaw of their lost kingdoms). Thunder Park is a marvelous place (though be sure to carry your own water). The road winding above among mountains, mudcracked houses everywhere and the sound of the hermit-thrush singing through the pines. If they’re two of you, it’s probably worth while hiring one of the park guides to walk beside you, though the place can be fun even if you’re by yourself. Plus, if you’re interested, you could always get in a spot of fishing.

Sunday 12 noon
It’s getting close to time to leave now, but what better way to end your trip to the Waste Land than with a boating trip down Greenwich Reach? Catch one of the red sailed barges from Margate Sands and drift along the strand with the turning tide, watching the brisk swell ripple with the southwest wind. If you’re lucky, and the sea is calm, your boatman will let you steer the boat for a while, and you can feel how gaily the boat responds to you, your hand suddenly expert with sail and oar. Follow that up with lunch at the Metropole, and you’ll be ready to bid adieu to the perfect weekend vacation.