No magic, no sorting hats, no nearly headless ghosts, no invisible cloaks, and certainly no one who must not be named. Only good ole' sensible English girls (well, mostly). Who are a tad more interesting than a certain young wizard with a scar. No, you say? Well, go on then to nine and three quarters which in reality is between the 8th and the 9th platforms, and take your picture with that cart against the wall. Me, I am going to a real English school. You want to come too? Come along to Paddington and we shall catch the 4.50 to Cornwall, and spend the night at town by the Cornish coast where there are cinemas and the circus (and loads of shops selling tuck boxes which you absolutely have to buy if you are going to make the midnight feast on Saturday night) if you are so inclined.
Saturday 9 AM
There is a particular corner on our way up from town when suddenly Malory Towers comes into view - a big, square-looking greystone standing on top of a cliff surrounded by four rounded towers. North, South, East and West. The sea is behind, far down the cliff and there is a natural swimming pool down there but more about that later. First, we need to hurry or we will miss breakfast. Past the huge gate which looks like a castle entrance and through the Court which is surrounded by the school buildings, and no, no time to chat with the smart girls in their brown and orange uniforms, we will have time for that later, Ms Grayling likes people to be punctual. Gray-hair, blue eyes, firm mouth, calm face, low-voice, well, what did you expect anyway? If you are the honest, sensible, and responsible type, you will get along with her even if you have a really bad temper. Else, especially if you have an artistic temparement like the French, it is better to miss breakfast altogether.
Saturday 11 AM
We get to meet the girls. Ofcourse we won't remember them all but a few we won't be able to forget - Darrell and Sally, Alicia and Irene, Mary-Lou and Gwen. Darrell is nice and sensible and responsible and level-headed and all, but if you want to have fun, tag along with Alicia. Watch her play one of her brothers' tricks on Mam'zelle (no, not the tall, thin one. The fat, jolly one. Thats the one to play tricks on). Spiders, Invisible chalk, stuff that pop out of the fire, all sorts of things. I mean, one wonders why there is any need for magic.
Saturday 3 PM
First, we get to watch a real lacrosse match. Malory Towers vs Barchester. Woe on you if you decide to cheer the wrong team. Ofcourse, we will win. The school heroine will hit the winning goal. After which we get to have a really big tea. Yes, with scones!
And then, time to do some activity ourselves. Follow Wilhelmina (just call her Bill) and she will take you riding along the coast road. Yes, but who cares if its against the rules? This is a school, remember?
Saturday 7 PM
By the time young women get to the fifth form, they have learnt to do their schoolwork well. This is the time to learn the more important things in life like how to plan things on their own and carry them out, and how to work together properly to get things done. These are the things young women need to learn if they want to become sound women that the world could lean on. So what better way to learn these things (and also provide you and me with some wholesome entertainment in the process) than by letting them do their own pantomime? So here it is - written, directed and produced entirely by the girls of the fifth, this is another Cinderalla story. With servants, and ugly sisters and demon-king and jugglers and obviously, the Prince. Best seating is the North side gallery, on the topmost stone steps. Enjoy.
Saturday 12 midnight
Dinner? Oh, you don't want to come to the midnight feast then? You do? Then make sure you do not eat at dinner and save all the food. Then go to the dorm and pretend to be asleep. Actually no. Technically, bedtime is only for the girls but we aren't supposed to stay inside the dorms in the first place. Now that we have sneaked in here, hide when the mistress comes in to check whether everyone's asleep. Yes, it is time. Get up and smell the food. Sandwiches, tongue and boiled eggs, pork pies and ginger ale, lemonade stolen from the pantry and a huge chocolate mousse cake. Food always tastes better at midnight, ne c'est pas?
Sunday 10 AM
Yes, the San. Serves you right for eating too much last night. There is really no way around it - We have to go the Matron and get some really horrid medicine now. Thats the only way we are going to get our stomachs back. No, she won't be happy but I have a feeling she will understand.
Sunday 12 noon
Feeling better? I told you the medicine always works. The more horrid it tastes, the faster it works. Now lets head down to the swimming pool by the sea. The pool's hollowed out of a stretch of rocks and so it has a rocky, uneven bottom. You can laze around but around here if you do too much of that, you are guaranteed to be pushed in. So you decide.
Sunday 3 PM
Time to take leave of the girls and Malory Towers and head back to London. Take back some sense but leave the British superiority behind. A little out of time, that is. The world has become quite wunnerful in recent years, and the Empire nowadays is just the 51st state. Or a glorified missile base. Just ask Messrs. Jay and Lynn. Talking of which.
PS: Yes, I know. There is only way to see Malory Towers - as a student. But if you are reading this, then chances are high that you will have to wait till your next birth to go back to school again, so this is the next best thing. Okay?
Saturday 9 AM
There is a particular corner on our way up from town when suddenly Malory Towers comes into view - a big, square-looking greystone standing on top of a cliff surrounded by four rounded towers. North, South, East and West. The sea is behind, far down the cliff and there is a natural swimming pool down there but more about that later. First, we need to hurry or we will miss breakfast. Past the huge gate which looks like a castle entrance and through the Court which is surrounded by the school buildings, and no, no time to chat with the smart girls in their brown and orange uniforms, we will have time for that later, Ms Grayling likes people to be punctual. Gray-hair, blue eyes, firm mouth, calm face, low-voice, well, what did you expect anyway? If you are the honest, sensible, and responsible type, you will get along with her even if you have a really bad temper. Else, especially if you have an artistic temparement like the French, it is better to miss breakfast altogether.
Saturday 11 AM
We get to meet the girls. Ofcourse we won't remember them all but a few we won't be able to forget - Darrell and Sally, Alicia and Irene, Mary-Lou and Gwen. Darrell is nice and sensible and responsible and level-headed and all, but if you want to have fun, tag along with Alicia. Watch her play one of her brothers' tricks on Mam'zelle (no, not the tall, thin one. The fat, jolly one. Thats the one to play tricks on). Spiders, Invisible chalk, stuff that pop out of the fire, all sorts of things. I mean, one wonders why there is any need for magic.
Saturday 3 PM
First, we get to watch a real lacrosse match. Malory Towers vs Barchester. Woe on you if you decide to cheer the wrong team. Ofcourse, we will win. The school heroine will hit the winning goal. After which we get to have a really big tea. Yes, with scones!
And then, time to do some activity ourselves. Follow Wilhelmina (just call her Bill) and she will take you riding along the coast road. Yes, but who cares if its against the rules? This is a school, remember?
Saturday 7 PM
By the time young women get to the fifth form, they have learnt to do their schoolwork well. This is the time to learn the more important things in life like how to plan things on their own and carry them out, and how to work together properly to get things done. These are the things young women need to learn if they want to become sound women that the world could lean on. So what better way to learn these things (and also provide you and me with some wholesome entertainment in the process) than by letting them do their own pantomime? So here it is - written, directed and produced entirely by the girls of the fifth, this is another Cinderalla story. With servants, and ugly sisters and demon-king and jugglers and obviously, the Prince. Best seating is the North side gallery, on the topmost stone steps. Enjoy.
Saturday 12 midnight
Dinner? Oh, you don't want to come to the midnight feast then? You do? Then make sure you do not eat at dinner and save all the food. Then go to the dorm and pretend to be asleep. Actually no. Technically, bedtime is only for the girls but we aren't supposed to stay inside the dorms in the first place. Now that we have sneaked in here, hide when the mistress comes in to check whether everyone's asleep. Yes, it is time. Get up and smell the food. Sandwiches, tongue and boiled eggs, pork pies and ginger ale, lemonade stolen from the pantry and a huge chocolate mousse cake. Food always tastes better at midnight, ne c'est pas?
Sunday 10 AM
Yes, the San. Serves you right for eating too much last night. There is really no way around it - We have to go the Matron and get some really horrid medicine now. Thats the only way we are going to get our stomachs back. No, she won't be happy but I have a feeling she will understand.
Sunday 12 noon
Feeling better? I told you the medicine always works. The more horrid it tastes, the faster it works. Now lets head down to the swimming pool by the sea. The pool's hollowed out of a stretch of rocks and so it has a rocky, uneven bottom. You can laze around but around here if you do too much of that, you are guaranteed to be pushed in. So you decide.
Sunday 3 PM
Time to take leave of the girls and Malory Towers and head back to London. Take back some sense but leave the British superiority behind. A little out of time, that is. The world has become quite wunnerful in recent years, and the Empire nowadays is just the 51st state. Or a glorified missile base. Just ask Messrs. Jay and Lynn. Talking of which.
PS: Yes, I know. There is only way to see Malory Towers - as a student. But if you are reading this, then chances are high that you will have to wait till your next birth to go back to school again, so this is the next best thing. Okay?
