Death Valley

No, none of the 49ers died here. They were just lost in the valley while trying to find a shortcut into California and they thought for a time that they would die. They found a way out finally and as they walked through the pass, some old man is supposed to have said "Goodbye Death Valley" and the name apparently stuck. But this doesn't mean you can't die in Death Valley - all you have to do really is to attempt the Badwater ultramarathon next July. Just 135 miles in 100 degree heat and we will see if you survive. You aren't that insane? Good, then drive into Death Valley National Park in late fall and find out for yourself how spectacular bare rock and fine sand can be.

Quick facts: Death Valley National Park runs north-south between the Amaragosa Range to the east and Panamint Range to the west, and is the largest national park in contiguous United States. At 282ft below sea level, Badwater, located inside the park is the lowest point in North America. Land of extremes, described mostly in superlatives - hottest, driest, lowest.

Friday 5PM
The best time to drive into the park is from the east at dusk as long as someone else is doing the driving. If you flew into Vegas to get here, you will take the very deserted US95 up, past the aliens on Area 51 to the town of Beatty, NV. In Beatty you stock up on essentials and turn west, go past a couple of ghost towns that though supposedly authentic will have you searching for old Clint and then go through Daylight Pass and Hell's Gate into the park. If you miss the sunset, don't worry, this one is just the bonus, we will see the real thing tomorrow.

Friday 8PM
Dinner at the Forty Niner Cafe at Furnace Creek Ranch. Basic but serves good dinner and brunch and its not like you have too many choices anyway. You can ofcourse go across to the Furnace Creek Inn instead which is an expensive resort in the middle of an oasis with swimming pools, golf course and a few restaurants among other resorty things. The resort looks so incongruous that you immediately want to place a call to your friendly neighborhood aspiring terrorist.

Saturday 8AM
Breakfast at the Forty Niner Cafe. If you happen to stay at Stovepipe Wells, try the restaurant there as they serve similar stuff. Make sure you eat enough as we will have a really late lunch. Or if you have to have lunch on time, get sandwiches packed.

Saturday 10AM
Badwater & Devil's Golf Course. Driving to Badwater from Furnace Creek in daylight, Death Valley starts to make sense - Amaragosa on your left, miles and miles of flat saltland on your right ending at the foothills of the Panamint, snow capped Telescope Peak towering over everything else and we still haven't seen any sign of vegetation anywhere. Its all multicolored rock, salt and up ahead, there's snow. Badwater Basin really has bad water if you were wondering, the site has a walkway leading to spring-fed pool but the salts around make it undrinkable. The pool is not the lowest point in N America, this is actually a few miles west but walking through the salt flats is dangerous and so its not allowed. Next we drive to the bizzare Devil's Golf Course where two feet rock salt formations stretch for miles and miles. The salt fields are unlike anything I have seen before and they are an absolute must-see. Be careful while you walk through the fields though - the rock salt edges are razor sharp and if you fall down, severe cuts are guaranteed.

Saturday 1PM
Golden Canyon. Heading back, stop at Golden Canyon and take the popular Canyon trail. Its a not-so-narrow gorge that cuts through orange and gold colored sandstone rocks for about a mile, and then abruptly ends at the base of deep red sandstone cliffs forming an amphitheater called the Red Cathedral. Climb up one of the many ledges of the Cathedral, turn around and take your time. Red, Gold, and Orange sandstone hills glowing in the sun, the sky a clear blue, then miles of desert land followed by giant black mountains with snow-capped peaks - those of you from the green parts of the world will finally realize that that particular color is overvalued. Now that you are done reflecting, if you think you need more activity, there is a longer 4 mile trail that starts a few hundred metres south of the Cathedral that will take through the badlands beneath Zabriskie Point. Else head back for lunch.

Saturday 4PM
Lunch at where else? One of the two restaurants. I suggest Stovepipe Wells as its closer to the dunes where we are going next.

Saturday 5.30PM
Sunset at the sand dunes. Number Two on my top ten sunsets ever. Give yourself a good hour to work your way to the tallest dune for the sunset. Yes, they keep changing shape but the taller ones are always set away from the road and you have to climb up and down atleast two dozen dunes before getting to them. Take off your shoes if the sand inside starts bothering you, its better to walk barefoot as long as the sand isn't hot. The sun will go down the Panamint range but most of the action will be on the Amaragosa as it changes color every other minute until the sun completely disappears leaving you in utter darkness stranded in the middle of the desert. If you are lucky there won't be a moon, because if there's a moon, then the people from the resort will be here soon for their romantic moonlight horse/buggy rides on the dunes and you want to get out before they arrive. If you are really lucky though, then there will be a sandstorm - you would have seen it coming from the North if only you weren't so busy photographing the sunset. The next two hours you will spend going round in circles, totally blinded as there's so much sand in your eyes and anyway even if there isn't there you cannot see more than two feet ahead; you will hear choppers above and attempt to wave until some Park Ranger finally finds you and brings you back to safety. Or if you aren't a helpless sort of person, you just get a friend along who has a sense for storms and directions and can get you out straight to your car in less than half an hour while everyone else is waiting to be rescued.

Saturday 9PM
Hour long shower followed by a well deserved dinner at Forty Niner Cafe. They do have some decent wines, so this might be a good time to celebrate your rescue.

Sunday 8 AM
Breakfast. If you are in the mood for a long, strenuous hike, ignore all of today's itinerary - get up early and do Telescope Peak(14 miles) instead.

Sunday 9AM
Mosaic Canyon. The popular lower trail of the Mosaic Canyon takes you through a mile of twisted narrow passageways with beautiful, multicolored rocks on either side. The colors are different from the ones we saw in Golden Canyon, these are mostly marble and marble-like rocks, smoothed by water, mixed with other fragments to form colorful mosaic patches. The marble will look pretty enticing and if you have a sudden urge to take some of this marble and use it for re-flooring your Jubilee Hills home back in Hyderabad, please remind yourself that you could be looking at a couple of years in a federal prison.

Sunday 11AM
Titus Canyon. Two options: if you have a 4WD, drive out of the park(east entrance) and a couple of miles after the exit there will be marked gravel road from where its a 26-mile one-way to the foothills of the Grapevine Mountains and then into the recesses of the Canyon and out west well inside the park. Pack lunch and check at the Ranger station at Furnace Creek to make sure the road is open as flash floods often happen here. If you don't want to drive through the canyon, just park at the west entrance of the canyon inside the park, and take a walk inside. This is pure Lord of the Rings territory and you will feel like you are walking with Aragorn to meet the mountain folk.

Sunday 2PM
Ubehebe Crater. At the north end of Death Valley, the Ubehebe crater system contains several craters and ash hills resulting from an eruption thousands of years ago. Ubehebe is the largest and the youngest of the craters in the area and it over 700 ft deep and half a mile wide. You can climb down the crater but the best view is from the rim, so you decide.

Getting There
Most of Death Valley National Park is in Southwestern California though some parts of the park is in Nevada. The nearest airport is Las Vegas which is about 120 miles from the park. From Vegas, take US95 North to Beatty, NV and then go west on Hwy 374 and into the park through the east entrance. If you are driving in from the west[1], from Bakersfield, take Hwys 178 and 395 which will get you to Route 190 leading you into the park. Four wheel drive recommended though not really necessary for our itinerary. Please remember to carry lots and lots of water. The park entrance fee is around $20 but if you plan to visit more than two parks in a year, you might want to invest in the $50 National Park pass.

Accommodations
Doesn't matter where you stay as long as its inside Death Valley. You don't want to waste time driving in and out of the park, so stay at either Furnace Creek Inn/Ranch or the much cheaper Stovepipe Wells Village. Both managed by Xanterra Parks and Resorts.

[1] Quite a few people combine Death Valley with Las Vegas, I would suggest you not do that. Yes, even if you are a Vegas person (though I am not sure what you are doing here then). Visiting Vegas and Death Valley NP together is like eating instant pasta with homemade curd, so you decide whether you want to do that.

The Waste Land

Falstaff tells us how to spend our 48 hours in TS Eliot's The Waste Land. The first of our Invisible Cities.

Timing
April is the worst month to travel to the Waste Land. Summer can be pretty slow too, unless your cousin is an arch-duke, but April is just deathly boring. The routes are dull with spring rain, and there’s really nothing to do but sit around watching your shadow in the morning and your shadow in the evening – which really isn’t any fun at all. If you are planning to visit, Winter is definitely the time to go.

Friday 6 pm
The best way to get to the Waste Land is by ship from Ireland, though if you’re the kind of person who fears death by water you may want to catch a flight instead. The boat ride is fun, though. Regular ferry services are available from Stetson Travels. It’s about a two and a half hour trip, so you can lie back and listen to Wagner on the PA system, drink Belladonna on the rocks at the ship bar or play Hangman with your co-passengers in the Phoenician lounge. Beware of card games, however – gamblers in the Waste Land are known to carry a wicked pack of cards.

Friday 8:30 pm
You’ve arrived! Be prepared for a gala welcome. Tourists are regularly greeted by young girls carrying hyacinths (they call them the hyacinth girls), and don’t be afraid if someone offers you a handful of dust. You don’t want to spend much time loitering about near the harbour though, instead you want to go up the hill and down King William Street, to where Saint Mary Woolnoth keeps the hours. Getting there before the dead sound of the final stroke of nine is actually pretty important, because the crowd on the bridge is just crazy afterwards. You wouldn’t think there would be so many, but there are.

Friday 9:30 pm
For your first evening in the Waste Land, you don’t want to try anything too hectic. Instead, take a walk by the colonnade and into the Hofgarten, grabbing a cup of coffee at one of the local cafes or just sitting around talking for an hour. Alternatively, you could just wander around the streets taking in the sights. You won’t be disappointed. Believe me, this city is Unreal!

Saturday 10 am
Saturday morning in the Waste Land. The perfect time to unwind and rest those aching bones. After a lazy breakfast at the Cannon Street Hotel, head over to the Phlebas spa, where you can forget all about profit and loss with a relaxing dip in the Jacuzzi. First timers may be a little embarrassed to be wandering about among strangers with very little on, but don’t worry – people from all stages of age and youth, Gentile or Jew, come here, and chances are, most of them are even less tall and handsome than you.

Saturday 2 pm
After a long am of soaking in the minerals, you’re now ready for a late lunch at Cleopatra’s Barge. Be prepared to be amazed by the opulent décor of this finest of the Waste Land’s restaurants, complete with chairs like burnished thrones, glistening candelabras, satin cases, vials of ivory and coloured glass, strange synthetic perfumes and Golden cupidons. But don’t let the gawdy ambience put you off – behind that super-shiny exterior is a menu that holds up the highest standards of fruit and wine. Be sure to book your table well in advance though – the place gets crowded really fast (in case you have trouble getting a reservation, just ask for Albert) and do keep in mind that they tend to close fairly early, so you don’t want to get there too late and have to hurry through your meal because it’s time.

Saturday 4 pm
What to do now? You can start by rushing out on the street with your hair down, or, if it’s raining, catch a closed car. A game of chess is often a good idea, or, if you’re more the outdoor-sy kind, you could go down to the local cemetery, check out the King’s brother’s grave, and the King’s father’s grave before that. Beware of the dogs in the graveyard though, they’re really friendly, but you never know where they’ve been digging.

Saturday 6 pm
The violet hour. The meal ended, the time is now propitious to get a little action. It’s time to sample the exciting night life of the Waste Land. So wash your feet in soda water, get on your dancing shoes and leave your inhibitions behind. As everyone knows, the Waste Land is a great place to hook up on Saturday night. If you’re so inclined, the place to start is along the Strand and up Queen Victoria Street, possibly stopping in a public bar on lower Thames street, or, if you really want to push your look, going all the way down to the Magnus Martyr. Sooner or later you’re bound to run into a group of incredibly hot women putting on a revue. And you know what they say about lovely women stooping to Follies. The fact is there are some really lonely women in the Waste Land. You can see them through the windows, pacing about their rooms alone, smoothing their hair with an automatic hand, putting records on the gramophone. The men, by contrast, aren’t much to write home about, they’re mostly small house agent’s clerks and have a depressing tendency to wear silk hats. All the more reason to experiment with your sexuality if you’re a woman. And don’t be embarrassed – believe me, this city has seen it all before.

If you’re already in a relationship, or aren’t looking for that kind of thing, you could always check out the Fishmen Lounge, the most happening nightclub in downtown Waste Land. Groove to the sounds of the Isles of Dogs singing their hit number ‘Weialala leia’, or just blend in with the clatter and chatter from within. Watch out for their cocktails, though. They’re potent stuff. Mixing Memory and Desire is always a bad idea, and a couple of Highburys and you’re liable to end up supine on the floor with your knees raised in the air.

Saturday 10 pm
Finally, don’t forget to catch the late, late show at the Tiresias, the movie hall on Elizabeth and Leicester. Tiresias is one of the oldest movie halls in the world, and specializes in screening movies where you’ve seen it all before (the current feature, for instance, is that little known four hour Kurosawa masterpiece Hieronymo’s Mad Againe). It’s an experience not to be missed, though you’re likely to hear, from time to time, Sweeney and Mrs. Porter, making it on the springs at the back. Also, be careful going down the unlit stairs afterward, especially if you’ve had a lot to drink.

Sunday 9 am
After that decadent Saturday evening, all that shouting and crying, all that torchlight red on sweaty faces, it’s time to get a little sun and fresh air. Your best bet this morning is to take the Le Prince d’Aquitane tour which takes you up to the glorious Thunder Park. (more adventurous visitors can make a slight detour to the nearby Valley of Dying Stars, a hollow valley, broken jaw of their lost kingdoms). Thunder Park is a marvelous place (though be sure to carry your own water). The road winding above among mountains, mudcracked houses everywhere and the sound of the hermit-thrush singing through the pines. If they’re two of you, it’s probably worth while hiring one of the park guides to walk beside you, though the place can be fun even if you’re by yourself. Plus, if you’re interested, you could always get in a spot of fishing.

Sunday 12 noon
It’s getting close to time to leave now, but what better way to end your trip to the Waste Land than with a boating trip down Greenwich Reach? Catch one of the red sailed barges from Margate Sands and drift along the strand with the turning tide, watching the brisk swell ripple with the southwest wind. If you’re lucky, and the sea is calm, your boatman will let you steer the boat for a while, and you can feel how gaily the boat responds to you, your hand suddenly expert with sail and oar. Follow that up with lunch at the Metropole, and you’ll be ready to bid adieu to the perfect weekend vacation.

Schaumburg, IL

Or how to spend the perfect Amercian weekend.

Welcome to the mother of suburbia, to the strip mall capital of the world. Here we shop till we are hungry, and then and we eat. Oh, come off it. We know you love to look down upon us, you townies, and that you love to come down here and look at us like animals in zoo but you need us more than we need you. You know this is where you come to shop on sale days, and to buy your hybrid. You can make fun of our elephant sized townhomes, but you need our basements to store your furniture. And who are we kidding? You all move here anyway once you get married and have a kid; you will also worry about school districts and home prices, shop at the mall every weekend and celebrate birthdays at Maggiano's. So get off that high horse, and come see how we live. It is, after all, your future.

Friday 6PM
Traffic on I-90. You didn't really think you were going to cruise into Schaumburg just like that, did you? That too during peak hour on Fridays when everyone's heading back home after a hard day's work in the evil city? Anyway, there's no better way to get inducted into American suburbia than spending a good couple of hours inside your SUV cursing at the toll booth attendant, the I-pass lanes and everyone else who happens to share the road with you.

Friday 8PM
Dinner at Cheesecake Factory at Woodfield Mall. This happens to be every suburbanite's dream restaurant. Everything is oversized from the menus to the funky Egyptian symbols. Portion sizes guaranteed to give you heart attacks. The decor is like, well, WTF. Avocado Egg Rolls and the Chicken Marsala are favorites here. Not to mention hundreds of cheesecakes that will add up to hundreds of thousands of calories. Do make sure you have a reservation, otherwise you will spend a good hour waiting for a table. Though sometimes, waiting itself can be fun, especially for a city snob. Great entertainment to watch these suburban people going crazy with their fourteen shopping bags and four kids.

Saturday 10AM
Breakfast at Ikea. The Swedish furniture store? Breakfast? No, I kid you not. Didn't you know they have "value for money" Swedish food in their restaurant on the third floor? The full, hot Swedish breakfast is only $.99. The queues here are as long as the ones on the checkout line. Trust me, this is the local hangout - they all get their breakfast here and then start the shopping day. A must-eat place.

Saturday 12noon
Gurnee Mills. We leave Schaumburg. Don't worry, we will come back and shop here but first we have to go to the outlet mall and shop there. Drive 40 miles North to get to Gurnee Mills, right before the exit you will see Six Flags. This is where people drop their four kids off before heading to the mall so that they can shop in peace.

An alternative to Gurnee Hills is the Premium Outlet Mall southwest of Schaumburg. This one has fewer shops and it a little more organized. Also has the added advantage of being a couple of exits away from the Aurora temple from where you can grab a quick lunch. Though, you know, if you want the authentic experience, try one of the Chinese places in the food court!

Saturday 8PM
Dinner at PF Chang's. Waits maybe even longer than Cheesecake Factory but the menus are slightly smaller. Other than that, same as Cheesecake Factory, just happens to have a different name. What are you complaining about? Hello, this is suburbia. They are all the same, get it? Thats the whole damn point. Enjoy!

Saturday 10PM
Movie at Streets of Woodfield. No, you absolutely cannot walk to Streets of Woodfield from PF Chang's. You might get run over. So drive across the street to the Loews at Streets of Woodfield and watch a movie. No, it doesn't really matter what movie as none of your snobbish, foreign-language, indie movie are screened here anyway. Not to worry. After the movie, drive to the Starbucks a hundred yards away and get some coffee. Look around at the wannabe townies. Funny, aren't they?

Sunday 10AM
Brunch at the Curragh. Irish pub/restaurant at the Mall (where else?) which serves decent brunch and usually has a halfway decent Irish band playing. Its either this or the Old Country Buffet for brunch, so you decide!

Sunday 12noon
Woodfield Mall. A whirlwind shopping tour at the Woodfield Mall. At some point in the not so distant past, this used to be the largest mall in the States, so spend your three hours wisely. Look for the stores you did not find in the outlet mall the day before. Make sure you have someone around to carry your shopping bags.

Sunday 3PM
Homes of Schaumburg. No visit to Schaumburg is complete without a driving tour (what did you expect? A walking tour?) through communities of cookie cutter homes with their basketball hoops and beautifully manicured lawns. Three car garages and swimming pools. An odd kid on his bike, a misfit; the others and the Dads are inside busy with their Playstations while the Moms and sisters are at the mall. Living the American Dream.

Getting There
The easiest way to get here is to fly into Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, rent the biggest SUV you can get, and drive 20 minutes Northwest to Schaumburg. The key being it doesn't really matter whether you fly or take the train or bus to get to Chicago, you just have to make sure that you have a minivan/SUV to get to Schaumburg. You can probably get to the Village of Schaumburg on a smaller car but be warned that you will sorely stand out. Imagine your poor Toyota Prius lost among thousands of Town & Countrys and Hummers over at the JC Penney parking lot at Woodfield Mall. It isn't a pretty sight, I tell you.

Accommodations
One of the standard, economy chains is your best bet. But if you insist, your stay can be arranged at one of the humongous homes around Schaumburg. Yes, with trampoline and pool and two and half kids. Email for details.